Divorce sucks. Yes, I know that isn’t a very “lady like” thing to say, but you know what? I don’t know another way to say it. It absolutely sucks.
Just 10 minutes ago I did one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I kissed and hugged my babies, and fighting back tears, I told them “Good-bye.” A week and a half may not sound like much to some people, but I’ve never been away from my kids for that long. And I have a pain running from my left arm pit to my chest. Do you know what that is? That is heart pain – literal heart pain.
We watched the movie, Home, last night. In that movie, Oh tries to figure out human emotions and struggles with the fact that Tip is both mad and sad at the same time. He called it “mad sad.” Right now, I am a mixture of mad, sad, hurt, and fearful.
My oldest had to get stitches just 2 days ago, and I’ve been taking care of him since then. I don’t get to tonight . . . or tomorrow . . . or for the rest of the week. I don’t get to love on him and help him feel better when he’s hurting, and I don’t get to reassure him before he goes to sleep that I’m just right here, and all he has to do is call for me if he needs anything or if he’s hurting in the middle of the night.
On top of that, in a few days, my little ones will take their first flight, and I won’t be with them. They will land in California, and I won’t be with them to experience it for the first time because I have never been there either. They will go to the ocean and feel the sand and salt water for the first time, and I won’t be a part of it. And I won’t be there to keep my oldest company when he doesn’t get to fully experience the ocean water because of his stitches. I don’t get to comfort them when they’re nervous before the plane takes off, and I don’t get to see the wonder in their eyes when they see the water and sea life for the first time. Although my son and I have dreamed and planned for years for this, I do not get to be a part of it, and for their sake, I have to be excited for them and not let them know my sadness.
My mommy heart is absolutely broken, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. There are several types of moms, and no one type is better or worse than the other. We are just all wired differently. Never would I have thought it when I was younger, but I am the mom who wants to experience every teeny thing with her kids. I mean everything. I want to be with them for the little things, and of course, the big things like this . . . but my life didn’t go as planned, and now both their dad and I have to share the first experiences.
End of story.