Take a Deep Breath. Close My Eyes. Jump!
Most of you have noticed my writing dwindled down to nothing there for a while and is very slowly coming back. So much has been going on in my life, and unfortunately I allowed these things to rob me of my focus and motivation.
I’m a pretty private person, and I stay to myself when it comes to things I’m dealing with personally. I don’t mind talking about my struggles after they’ve passed, but I just am not one to talk about them in the process of living it. Some say it’s because I don’t want my wrongdoings to be brought to light, but I say it’s pride and not wanting people to feel bad for me or to see that I don’t have it all together. I mean, I will always be the first to say I don’t have it all together, but as someone who struggles with perfectionism, it’s very difficult for me to fail at something. Anytime I have a big struggle in life, whether it’s from a natural event or a self-imposed event, I view that as a personal fail. I don’t know why I do this to myself, but I do. I never view others in that light, though, so it’s very strange that I do this with myself.
I’ve had many mentors throughout my life, but very few have actually taken the time to learn about me and truly get to know me. Those who don’t are quick to say I have a problem with authority and am unwilling to grow or accept correction/criticism. After hearing those words so many times, I believed them and spent so much time in tears begging for God to help me be more submissive to authority. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago when I spent time learning about myself that I realized these words were way off base.
Even when I was younger, my mom would often mention something about everything always having to be perfect for me. My need for perfection or to be the best at everything I do comes from so many things in my past including incredibly low self-confidence. If it was perfect, then I wouldn’t be singled out for any reason. I didn’t want eyes on me – ever. I would freak out if something wasn’t correct because I was so afraid of being noticed. I also learned it’s one of those little “side-effects” of having ADHD.
After too many times crying and wondering why I struggled so much with authority and correction, I realized what the few mentors who took time to get to know me already knew. It wasn’t that I had an issue with either of these things at all. Yes, I immediately got (get) defensive when someone corrects me regardless of how small or large that correction is because it means I’ve failed. Well, in my own head, it means I’ve failed. With the slightest words that aren’t harsh in the least, I still feel like I have failed big time. It’s a struggle I’m trying to figure out how to walk through. I become extremely defensive, and I’m really down on myself for a while after any kind of correction. Over the years, though, I’ve been working on not allowing myself to get defensive and just listen to the words and accept them. I fail at that more times than I don’t, though.
And it looks like I’ve veered off track from where I intended to go today, but apparently this is something I needed to reveal about myself. In the upcoming days I’m going to do something I never do – something that even as I write this sentence my heart feels like it’s about to pound out of my chest. I’m going to do something that is completely terrifying to me, but I feel it’s the time and place to do it.
In the upcoming days I’m going to talk with you, my readers, and be more transparent about my life over the past few years than I’m comfortable being. However, as the picture below says, “Great things never came from comfort zones.” I believe that wholeheartedly, and I believe God is telling me that if I don’t step WAY outside of my comfort zone to do this, then I’m going to continue to hit a wall in my writing, speaking, and reaching people the way he intended. The roadblock I’ve been running into causing me to write so little lately is my own roadblock that needs to be removed, and it can only be removed by me.
I’m asking now for open hearts as these next few days I will be facing my biggest fear—divulging my failures. I pray somehow my words will 1) reach someone who somehow needs to be reached and 2) helps me to move that roadblock so God can fully use me to reach many. I thank you ahead of time for your understanding how difficult this will be for me.
I will bring in old posts, but I promise everything will fit together like a puzzle by the time 7 days is over. For 7 days I will be posting something here, so please pray as I take a leap . . .
WAY out of my comfortable spot inside the protective walls I’ve created for myself. . .