My Dirty Little Secret . . .


You know what?  I’m a mess.  That’s who I am.  I have never had it all together nor have I ever been in a place where I’m not . . . well . . . a mess.  It would take a very strong person to live day in and day out with me.  So who can blame the person who gives up after a fairly lengthy amount of time?

My family and old friends from high school/college years know me as the opinionated, vocal one.  That’s how they judge me still to this day.  In their eyes I’m still that brat who took every opportunity to cut people down to size.  No one ever took the opportunity to find out I was just a scared little girl, and the reason I did those things was because I knew I could never measure up to those other girls.

I pointed out the flaws so I would never be the center of attention.  And here’s the thing . . . I pointed out the flaws of those I was most jealous of.  So to those of you who I had negative things to say about in high school; it’s because I thought you were gorgeous and perfect and someone I could never amount to.  I almost want to name specific names here, but I won’t.  Most of them are on my Facebook, and they may or may not remember the harsh words I said out of jealousy.

However, I grew out of that.  I prayed to have a compassionate heart.  I prayed to find joy in what others found joy in and celebrate in the success of others, and God blessed me with exactly what I had prayed for.   Why is it, though, that people (especially family members) still judge me based on how I was LOTS and LOTS of years ago?

I think it’s because I’m still a mess.  I will always be a mess.  I’m a grenade whose pin has been pulled, and those surrounding me are just waiting to see what’s about to happen.  They don’t know what’s going to happen or when, but they know something is going to happen.  I’m emotional.  I’m insecure. Yes, I know I speak so often about confidence, and I finally found mine a year ago, but the insecurities still find their way to my brain sometimes.  I’m hurt.  I try desperately not to let past hurts turn up in present life, but they do, and it affects my relationships with people.  Most of all, I am so incredibly broken that I sometimes wonder where parts of me have fallen.  Talk about affecting relationships with people; the brokenness from almost 35 years of living is something that seeps its way into any setting.  I am broken.  When I say I’m broken, understand I don’t mean just a little.  I am broken to pieces.

There are so many of you who are broken to pieces as well.  The problem is, some of you may look to others to fix those broken pieces, but that can never work.  No person can ever restore you into unbrokenness.  There is one who can, though.  It is my hope everyone who feels broken can find healing through God.  He’s not this untouchable entity in the sky as many of us grow up to believe.  He is the healer of all brokenness. 

I am broken.  You know what, though?  I’ve been washed by the blood of Christ, and when God looks at me, he sees perfection.  He doesn’t see the mean person I was half a lifetime ago.  He doesn’t see the highly opinionated person I felt I had to be in a family of highly opinionated women.  He doesn’t see the tiny pieces broken by people I’ve loved over the years, and he doesn’t see the tiny pieces broken by my own actions.  He sees a perfectly put together daughter whom he is proud of.  How do I know this?  I know because he pieced my back together.  When he looks at me there are no seams that are clearly glued in place.  He sees something completely unflawed, as if it had never been broken at all.  He sees beauty.  He sees my heart.  In it lies truth. 

I’ve learned in the past few years that I somehow appear perfect to some, so they avoid me.  I don’t ever want that.  I’ve seen that.  I’ve become even more of a mess because those who led me appeared perfect and untouchable as well.  They appeared so perfect and untouchable that I never felt I could go to them with my “mess” because I knew they could never relate.  I don’t ever . . . hear me out. . . I DON’T EVER want to be viewed as untouchable and non-relatable like that.

I’m here to tell you I am so completely far from perfect.  I can definitely relate to many situations.  I AM A MESS.  But you know what?  As cheesy as it sounds, God is using my mess to make it a message for all of those who are a mess too.  None of us have it all together, and if someone tries to make it appear they do, they are definitely not the ones you need to talk to.  They either haven’t figured it out themselves or they have but are too afraid to let it be known and used for God’s glory. 

Please use any of my mess to be a message you need to hear.  Feel free to get in touch with me about anything you’re struggling with.  I can assure you I will not judge you.  God never called me to judge.  My desire is to help you make your own mess a message for others.  None of us are too much of a mess to be cleaned up and used.  Did you know that?  No matter where you feel you are in life, God can use you to do amazing things for him RIGHT NOW!!!!  Just let him.  Ignore the words of others.  Let God use you.  Others aren’t in a position to tell you whether you can be used or not.  God wants to use you now.  Let him. 


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