Friends with Benefits

More than likely you’ve heard this phrase before.  You may have seen the movie with this title.  You’ve possibly heard friends mention that they have their own friends with benefits.  Maybe you even have one yourself.

The idea behind having a friend with benefits is to have someone to have sex with whenever you want but without any emotional attachment.  Typically it’s someone you are friends with and will continue to be friends with, but you two are not and do not plan on dating one another.

Some say they do it to protect themselves against STDs and whatnot.  Others say it’s no different than sleeping around.

What are your thoughts on the topic?  Better yet, do you think it’s possible to have a relationship like this without emotional attachment?

Emotionally Detached

I’ve worked with teens and young adults for more than 12 years, so I feel safe in saying I’ve heard it all as far as this topic goes.  Most of these young people honestly believe that a person can have sex with another person without having any type of attachment.  Do you agree or disagree with this way of thinking?

It’s mentioned all throughout the Bible that we should not have a sexual relationship outside of marriage, but why do you think God tells us he wants us to only have this type of relationship with our husbands?  Is it because he doesn’t want us to enjoy ourselves, or is it that he’s behind the times since pretty much no one remains pure until they’re married anymore?  Those are the two statements I hear most from people rationalizing why that rule is no longer important.

Personally, I don’t believe either of these reasons are correct.  I believe God spoke about this so often because he loves us and wants to protect us from pain.  It’s not necessary for me to “preach” much on this topic because if you’re completely honest with yourself, and you have already had one or more sexual relationships with someone who isn’t your spouse, then you are fully aware of the pain God wants to keep away from you.

If you fit into this category, I want you to stop and think about any person you’ve had that type of relationship with.  Is there pain associated in any way with that relationship?  Does your heart still hurt when you think of him?  Did your relationship become shaky once you both took it to that level?  What feelings overtake your heart when you think of that relationship?

All Tangled Up

It truly is impossible for two people to become any closer to one another than when they have sex because they become one in body, mind, and spirit.  Although you may tell yourself no connection happens, you’ll quickly find you’re only kidding yourself.

Bear with me as I explain the illustration below (and remember I’m a writer not an artist).  I hope you can follow:


Your heart is the one in the middle.  Each time you “hook up” with someone regardless of whether they are a one night stand, a friend with benefits, or someone you are dating, a connection is made between your heart and theirs (look at the lines between the little hearts and yours).

Now, many things cause these connections to get stronger.  For instance a dating relationship probably has a stronger connection than a one night stand.  So if you pretend those lines are strings, the stronger ones will appear thicker (like rope) as opposed to the one night stands that would look thin (more like thread.)  Many things can cause these strings to become thicker and stronger: lengthy relationship, having sex often, spending more time together, heavy make out sessions, talking and texting for an extended amount of time, etc.

The more time you spend with a person, the more connected you become because you’re opening your heart up to him more and more.  This is why a “friend with benefits” doesn’t exist.  You are friends.  There already is a connection—an attachment.  The closer you get to him physically, the stronger the connection is.  It becomes even stronger the more often you are physical with him.

Having sex with someone creates a connection different from any other, and the “string” becomes even thicker and stronger than rope.  The more people you involve yourself with, the more connections are made, and just because the relationship is over doesn’t meant the connection is gone.  The boy isn’t there, but your hearts are still connected.   It becomes a connection that cannot be broken by anyone but God.

Now, look at the heart on the bottom of the illustration representing your future husband.  It’s God’s plan for your husband to have your entire heart.  If you look at the illustration, you’ll see the husband’s heart attempting to wrap its arms around your entire heart.  But look at what happens.  He can’t hold your whole heart without getting tangled up in the other connections that have been made.

It All Boils Down to This

God wants you to protect your heart and keep it tightly guarded in order to shield it and you from any pain because he loves you so much.  One of the biggest heart breakers comes from giving yourself to someone who is not your husband.  Not only does it affect your heart, but it affects the heart of your future husband.  There is nothing more precious to him than the two of you.

Of course you might feel like it’s not a big deal.  The enemy has created an illusion that it’s easy to disconnect sex and physical affection from your emotions.  He does that because he knows how important your heart is.  It’s the wellspring of life according to Proverbs 4:23.  Remember it’s just an illusion.  Don’t allow yourself to believe it.


One thought on “Friends with Benefits

  1. Thank you for sharing the illustration. I found it was a beautiful picture of the reason why sex after marriage is so important. I will take this to heart.


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