There’s a boy in class who seems to always have a girlfriend. You think he’s a little cute, but you don’t know what all the fuss is. One day he tells you that your hair doesn’t look good up; or maybe he says it a little nicer, “I bet your hair looks better down.”
He just made the first move in this dangerous game. The score is 0-0
What do you do next? Just from experience, my guess is that you decide to wear your hair down tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. . .
This boy didn’t notice you until now, but even now he’s not noticing you. Instead, he notices that you took his words to heart and made a change that you thought would make him happy.
You just made your first move in this game. The score is now 1-0, and the guy is ahead because he now knows he has power over you.
You might ask why this one small thing is considered dangerous. I mean, all you did was take your hair down, right? You may even rationalize that you feel more comfortable with your hair down – like it was your own idea. I’ll tell you that your simple move just placed you in a relationship of control, and you, my sweet friend, are not the one in control. At this point, it no longer matters to you how many people constantly tell you how beautiful, smart, sweet, or funny you are. You are only interested in what this particular boy thinks of you and will do whatever it takes to make him say positive things about you.
Because you changed something about yourself simply because of one comment he made, you’re telling him that you are willing to compromise who you are in order to make him happy. It also shows him that you lack confidence in yourself. If you were confident, you wouldn’t feel the need to make a change. He is now interested in you – not because he thinks you could be a great girlfriend but because he knows he has a certain amount of control over you that will continue to grow the closer you two get to one another.
Please be aware that there are boys like this out there. Sometimes they grow out of it, and sometimes they don’t. The important thing to remember is that you should not get into a relationship with this type of guy in hopes that he’ll grow out of it while you’re dating. It just won’t happen. Why would he grow out of it if it’s working so well in your relationship? That type of growth will have to be done on his own, and you are not responsible for making sure it happens.
Somehow it has taken me until just recently to realize this guy exists. Not only that, but I dated this guy a long time ago and didn’t even realize it. The thing that makes him so dangerous is that he will eventually hold your heart in his hand and squeeze the life out of it the longer you are together. This is not what God intended for you.
If you are dating a guy, or are thinking about dating him, and he sounds similar to the one I’ve described, then understand that he is not the one God set aside for you. I know it’s difficult, especially if you’ve given your whole heart to him. You must understand that God wants what’s best for you, and if you are in this type of relationship, you know that’s not the best for you.
- But I’ll never find someone who loves me the way that he does.
- I’ll never find someone better than him.
- All guys act like this.
- I’ve gone too far with him. I can’t walk away from the relationship.
If any of these thoughts come to your mind, then you know it’s not the right relationship, and it’s better to cut it off now than wait until it’s even harder. Every single one of these thoughts are lies of the enemy. I promise you that none of them are true.
If you find you are in a controlling relationship that you can’t get out of, please find a friend, mentor, or youth leader to stand by your side as you walk away. It is difficult, and the hurt does happen, but it eventually disappears. Find things to keep your mind off of him, and don’t call or text him. It’s not worth the pain that will follow.