Tag Archives: self-worth

Keeping Everyone Happy

disappointment

For someone who has struggled in the past with feelings of inadequacy, extremely low self-esteem, the need to be perfect in order to be good enough, and struggling with food addictions, it’s sometimes hard to stop these feelings from returning.

I told a little of my story before in my post, When Food Consumes You, and I mentioned that I was always tiny until college. That was me as it was everyone in my family. However, looking at the history of those in my family, it seemed that once adulthood hit I would inevitably gain weight.

I remember when I gained so much in college, and I constantly heard comments from loved ones.  They would say “You look like you need to jog around the block a few times,” and “Are you going to keep on until you look like your sister?” (Yeah that was a jab at both of us), or “How much weight are you planning on gaining?” Of course, these are just a few of the things I heard.

You see, many members of my family don’t have filters.  They say whatever is on their minds regardless of how it might hurt the other person.  I was the same way until my early 20s when it was brought to my attention what I was doing, and sometimes I still struggle with not saying the first thought that pops in my head.

I Can’t Win

For the first time in my life I am exercising and focusing on my health.  Yes, I was very active in high school as a cheerleader, but I never was one to go out and “exercise.”  I didn’t even step foot in a gym until college when I took a kinesiology class only because I had to.

Once I started really exercising, my metabolism went crazy again just like way back in the day.  I ended up losing about 10lbs more than I had set my goal to be, and I’m doing everything I can to gain more.  I’ve even been eating more junk food in the past few months than I’ve had in the entire year.  Nothing is helping me gain, and I know I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been.  If you’ve seen me in person you can see even my bones are tiny.  My fingers are tiny.  My little fingernails look like someone in elementary school.  It’s the way God created me.

I visited family this weekend, and those same people who made the comments above had other things to say to me.  One in particular I know was out of love, but that doesn’t make the words any easier.  “You look anorexic,” and “You are too skinny.  You look unhealthy.”  “You look poor. You need to stop losing weight,” and my favorite, “How much weight are you going to lose?”  That last one is interesting because it’s from the very same person who asked me several years back, “How much weight are you planning on gaining?”  Keep in mind I’ve lost nothing in a year.  I’ve actually gained a few.

If I’m living to please others, this is proof that I can’t win. I’m thankful I don’t struggle the way I used to, but boy is it hard when those are comments I hear first thing from my loved ones.

Today I find my identity in Christ.  I don’t struggle with my self-esteem because I came to the understanding that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made by the only one who knows what beauty and perfection are.  I’m living for an audience of one, so if someone doesn’t like me for who I am, there’s nothing I can do about it, and there’s no reason I should feel I have to do anything about it.  I don’t struggle with food anymore.  I don’t count calories or weigh myself.  I don’t even own a scale.  I do sometimes struggle with perfection, but that is something I continue to work on.  I’m so imperfect, and I know I can’t make up for it by being perfect in other areas.

I’ve grown.  I’m thankful, too, because this weekend could have easily sent me into an emotional downward spiral.  I love who I am.  I don’t understand why those I love most feel the need to point out what they think is wrong about me, and it’s by no means easy, but it’s something that I don’t need to spend my time dwelling on.  This is the extent of me dwelling on it—writing this post.  I’m speaking out for those of you who have gone through a similar situation.

How You CAN Win

Do NOT allow the words of others, harmless or otherwise, affect you in a way that is not healthy.  You are beautiful and perfectly made.  There’s a difference when someone knows that you are doing something unhealthy to yourself and someone who just feels the need to be critical.  Discern which voice you’re hearing.

Most importantly, remember you are to live for an audience of one.  If you try to live your life in a way that keeps everyone, you’ll quickly feel like you’re juggling your life unsuccessfully.  That’s the easiest way to make yourself feel like a failure.  Trying to please everyone is not possible, and you will fail.  Don’t do that to yourself.

Related Post: Why I Get Fit

Blast from the Past — My Daughter the Barbie

I read an article the other day, and it did nothing more than break my heart for this little girl.  Here she is, just a baby really, and she has no one telling her how she was fearfully and wonderfully made.  She has no one telling her that she’s beautiful.  It’s literally heartbreaking to me as a parent and as a female.  This girl is not much older than my son.  I can’t imagine him even knowing what plastic surgery is or about some of the other things discussed in this article – much less practicing them.

This 7 year old girl not only has been given vouchers (by her mom) for breast augmentation (after she’s 16 when it’s legal) and liposuction, but  her mom also taught her to pole dance last year!  Her older sisters have already had plastic surgery, and the mom has given herself the name “The Human Barbie” because of all of the work she’s had done.  This 7 year old apparently asks constantly for the things these vouchers are good for.  How does she even know about this stuff?

To Parents

I know I usually talk more to the girls, but sometimes we as parents need our eyes to be opened to some of the things we do and say that can negatively affect our kids without us even realizing it.  Did you know research shows that girls used to start worrying about self-image on average around age 9?  Now they say they’re finding more preschoolers and kindergarteners who are concerned about body image.  Did you also know that the low self-image usually begins from things girls hear from their parents?

If you are a parent, I bet you might be thinking you haven’t done or said anything to make your daughter question her self-image.  My husband and I thought the same thing, but we quickly realized there were a few things that we had unknowingly done that could plant seeds of low self-image in both of our children.

Take a peek at some things that could be happening in your home without you even realizing it.  Do you ever:

  • Look in the mirror and say, “My nose is too big.  I wish I was taller.  I wish my eyes were blue” or anything along those lines about yourself? 
    • Now look at it from your daughter’s perspective.  What happens when someone tells her she has your nose?  She heard you saying your nose is too big, so that means her nose is too big.  Her eyes aren’t blue.  Does that mean something’s wrong with her?
  • Joke with your husband that he has funny ears (or something along those lines)? 
    • Again, what happens when your daughter (or son) hears that she (or he) has Daddy’s ears?
  • Talk about how you need to lose weight, say you’re fat, or constantly stand on the scale? 
    • Your daughter is watching.  Do you want her to think that way?  (This doesn’t mean you can’t work to improve your health, but be aware of listening ears and eyes that take everything in).  She looks at you and sees something beautiful, and when you do these things, you’re making her question what beautiful looks like –seriously this came straight from God and just spoke directly to me like a bolt of lightning!
    • for that matter, what about your son?  He, too, thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the world.  If you criticize yourself, his view of beauty begins to become skewed.  What will that do to his future wife?
  • Talk to other people about your kids saying things like, “She’s just like me and not good at math”? 
    • Now she can write off math because you said she’s not good at it.  In her mind there’s no need to try to improve because you never improved, therefore she is not capable of it.
  • Dye your hair? 
    • I know this sounds petty, but depending on the sensitivity of your child, she could be looking at your natural color (which just happens to be the same as hers) and see that you don’t think it’s pretty enough–meaning she’s not pretty enough. 
  • Diet constantly? 
    • This goes back to the weight point above.  Do you want her to already start thinking that way?  Instead of dieting (which is not effective), teach your children and yourself to eat healthy, balanced meals and not feel guilty for splurging on occasion.

I could go on, but I think you probably get the idea.  My husband and I realized we did several of these things without thinking about the impact it could potentially have on our kids.  It’s difficult for your daughter to hear (and believe) how beautiful she is and how she was fearfully and wonderfully made right after she heard you saying your nose was too big.  She remembers that Grandma told her just the other day that she has your nose.

Think through conversations you’ve had with your spouse even at times when you’re just joking around.  Think through things you’ve said about yourself with little ears around.  The battle of body-image and self-worth begins at home.  Build that firm foundation before sending them out into a world saturated with unattainable images.

Your words should be uplifting and encouraging in every possible way.  There might possibly be little things said that meant nothing to you but could mean everything to your babies.

Back to the Article

This mom’s reason for giving her 7 year old daughter these types of gifts for Christmas and her birthday is that it’s comparable to saving for college.  In her words, “I see these vouchers as investing in her future, like saving money for her education.” 

She doesn’t at all see it as telling her daughter she’s going to grow up not being pretty enough.  To add to it, she has placed all importance on outward appearance, which is absolutely detrimental to any young girl.  “I’m just supporting her and making her dreams come true. Looks are a big part of how our futures pan out – there shouldn’t be a stigma around wanting to look good.”   This girl can’t have breast augmentation until after 16.  Does that mean she will go through the next 10 years feeling inadequate?

To the Girls

Please don’t allow yourself to fall into this completely unhealthy way of thinking.  You are worth far too much to place all of your value on your outward appearance.  You are worth far too much to think your outward appearance isn’t adequate. 

I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again.  You are absolutely beautiful.  You were fearfully and wonderfully created by the creator of EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL.  Don’t question what he chose for you.  I promise you that he didn’t mess up, and I promise you that the boy he has in mind for you will see the beauty he created with no changes necessary.

I would really love to hear your thoughts about this article.  Click below to read, and come back here to tell me your thoughts.  Feel free to comment on the things I’ve said above whether you agree or disagree.

Article  The Human Barbie

Related links I found helpful:
Too Fat to be a Princess?

I’m Perfect — How About You?

Emily
Copyright 2011 Artspeak Images

I’m still amazed at how the enemy reaches the majority of us by pointing out our imperfections even after knowing what the truth really says about us.  It’s been on my mind a lot lately, so I want to take a passage from my book, Perfect You: Realizing Your Perfection in an Imperfect World. 

How you view yourself affects more than you realize.  It can affect your success, happiness, and believe it or not it can affect how other people view you.  God wants you to be confident in the perfect creation you are.  He placed a lot of time and thought into how to create you.  What is it that makes you think he just threw you together without even a thought or that he messed up or forgot something?

You are a Masterpiece

What sorrow awaits those who argue with their Creator.
Does a clay pot argue with its maker?
Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it, saying, “Stop, you’re doing it wrong!”
Does the pot exclaim, “How clumsy can you be?”
How terrible it would be if a newborn baby said to its father, “Why was I born?”
or if it said to its mother, “Why did you make me this way?”
This is what the Lord says—the Holy One of Israel and your Creator:
“Do you question what I do for my children?
Do you give me orders about the work of my hands?”
Isaiah 45:9-11 NLT

As girls, we look at ourselves in the mirror to determine whether we are beautiful or not.  How often do we stand in front of the mirror figuring out what we need to change?  We look at what parts of our bodies need to be more developed and what parts we need to lose.  My nose is too big.  My hair is too dark.  My waist isn’t small enough.  In whose eyes are all these things true? 

Media is often blamed for this way of thinking.  Certain magazines, TV shows, and movies confirm these thoughts.  But the media shouldn’t take all the blame for our poor self-image.  Who chose media as the voice of the world?

The Bible says that Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10).  Do not be deceived by him.  Your Daddy God will never speak those lies to you.  Satan has been called “the god of the world.”  Our world is becoming more corrupt by the minute.  The enemy uses many tools to guide us away from God’s teaching, and media is one of the easiest and strongest ways to take our focus away from God’s truth.  It often sucks us in without our realizing it.  God tells us to guard our hearts and take every thought captive that goes against his teaching (2 Cor. 10:5).  Satan is smart.  Don’t underestimate what he can do.  If he wraps those thoughts and images in a cute little package, we are likely to get pulled in toward him and away from God.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.  Philippians 4:8 NLT

So many times I’ve heard this Scripture, and I’ve not given it a second thought because I’d heard it so often and felt I knew it well.  Recently, I stopped and really absorbed what it was telling me.  God says to fix our thoughts on him.  Don’t fix your thoughts on things that are not true.  All those negative thoughts you have about your appearance are nothing but lies.  They are not things to fix your thoughts on.  When you do that, you will find yourself falling into a trap.

The only weapon the enemy has against you is the ability to lie.  He lies to break down your confidence, and he uses whatever he can to convince you that his lies are truth.  Media is all around you, so it’s the easiest way to get his word out, but it’s not all bad.  You just need to have an awareness of the things you’re allowing in.

Does that mean you can’t watch movies, listen to music, or read your favorite magazines anymore?  Absolutely not.  

I used to enjoy reading a particular popular magazine, and I never understood why some Christians thought it was so bad.  But as I spent more time with God, I noticed that his desires were becoming my own.  My desire to look at that magazine or watch certain movies started fading.  Before I knew it, I was repulsed by some of the same movies I had been watching for years.  Those “fun” things weren’t as much fun as my relationship with God grew stronger.

I picked up my favorite magazine at a bookstore one day and sat down to read through it.  Everything in there was about sex or how to fix physical imperfections.  No wonder I had always had a horrible self-image.  Reading that one magazine, I began feeling my self-image issues come back.  All the attributes required to have a “perfect” body, according to that magazine, were things I lacked.  According to that magazine, everything about my body was imperfect.  My old thoughts, again, became louder than the voice of truth.  It’s amazing how quickly Satan can work.  It is easy to fall into Satan’s trap without even realizing it. 

I challenge you to follow Philippians 4:8 and fix your thoughts on the truth God has laid out for you.  Before reading, listening to, or watching anything, consider if it follows God’s Word.  If it doesn’t, change the station or choose a different movie or forego the magazine.  See if you begin to view yourself differently than you did before.

Almost every girl I’ve worked with as a teacher and youth leader over the years has struggled with self-esteem in one way or another.  The images surrounding you daily of what perfection looks like are skewed.  We look at models to show us what perfection looks like, but pictures of models are airbrushed and touched up.  How can you strive to be perfect when perfect doesn’t exist?  It’s unattainable.  Yet girls literally kill themselves trying to reach this type of perfection. 

Today, I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and answer this question, “What makes you perfect?”  Go ahead and write down your answers.  Ask God to help you answer that question.

Related Links:
Lies You Tell Yourself